


does that sound like alchemy to you?

by RadioFreeHayden



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Other, as all of my best fics are, does this qualify as crack? probably, wacky arguments inspired by 3 am conversations in the discord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22623943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RadioFreeHayden/pseuds/RadioFreeHayden
Summary: Is Mark literally Jesus? 100% of Mark Byron Bryants say yes.
Relationships: Mark Bryant/Alex Chen/Oliver Ritz
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	does that sound like alchemy to you?

This current conversation definitely ranks somewhere near the top of Mark’s list of weirdest arguments he’s been in. It started normal enough. Or, at least normal by his current standards. Which, in this case, means it started with Oliver sharing random facts about Jesus lizards, which led to theorizing about whether Jesus was Atypical, which led to-

“I’m just saying,” Oliver says, “his first miracle was turning water into wine. That sounds a hell of a lot like alchemy to me.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t- hold on,” Mark says. “Do we have a Bible? You know what, fuck it, I’ll just google it.” Two seconds later, he’s looking at a list of every recorded miracle Jesus performed. “Okay. You know what alchemy doesn’t explain? Healing people. The man heals a lot of people. Does that sound like alchemy to you?”

“Theoretically, yes, it does. It’s not something I know how to do, but your cells are made up of atoms just the same as everything else; it may just be a matter of rearranging some of the carbon molecules-”

“Okay, okay, fine,” Mark says, attempting to cut Oliver off before he shifts all the way into Rant Mode. Not that he minds hearing Oliver rant, but. He’s got an argument to win. “But what about-” he scans the list of miracles in front of him “-feeding the masses? That’s multiplication, not alchemy.”

“Not necessarily,” Oliver argues. “If the necessary elements were present in the air or the ground-”

“You think he fed his followers dirt? That doesn’t sound very Christlike to me.”

“It wouldn’t be dirt anymore; saying he fed them dirt is akin to getting a diamond for Christmas and complaining that you’ve received a dinosaur corpse. Also, what are you proposing? That he used the power of some sort of . . . bread Atypical in the crowd?”

“There were 7,000 people, so yes, I think that’s more likely than turning dirt into bread,” Mark says. “And to your earlier point, I can maybe accept that you can use alchemy to heal someone, but Jesus also raised himself from the dead. You think you can do that?”

“You think you can?”

“With the right Atypical around, sure.”

“He was dead!” Oliver yells. “In a tomb! Who would even-”

“Mary Magdalene,” Alex supplies.

“Mary Magdalene, motherfucker,” Mark echoes. 

“Hey, you know what doesn’t make any sense?” Alex says. “The frogs.”

“I’m sorry, the what?”

“The frogs! The plagues of Egypt, one of them is just: Frogs. Like, the fuck are they gonna do? Aggressively ribbit at you? Eat the gnats and flies from the other plagues? That’s fucking useless.”

“Okay, I don’t disagree,” Mark says, “but can we get back to the Jesus thing? That’s not even remotely related-”

“No, it is, listen. The Trinity, yeah? God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, they’re all connected. If you’re Jesus you’re also God, so, explain the frogs.”

“Yeah, Mark, explain the frogs,” Oliver says.

“Okay well first off I’m taking that as an indication I won and Jesus was a mimic.” 

“Babe, if you’re able to convince me that frogs are an effective plague, then honestly, yes,” Alex says, “I am willing to accept that you’re savior of humanity.”

Oliver just shrugs. Mark decides to take that as a sign he agrees with Alex. He picks up his phone again to google what are the 10 plagues. “Okay, so I think the plagues just get progressively worse. Like, yeah, maybe frogs aren’t that bad, but then you get lice, and then all your animals die, and then hail, and then your kids die. It escalates.”

“Yeah, except it starts with water turning into blood,” Oliver points out. “Which, first of all, sounds like alchemy if you ask me-”

“That was Moses, not Jesus, no one cares if it was alchemy or not-”

“SECOND OF ALL,” Oliver says over him, “are you seriously going to argue that frogs are worse than water turning into blood? You need water to live; the same cannot be said for an absence of frogs.”

“What if you’re allergic to frogs, huh?”

“Are you claiming that every person in Egypt was allergic to frogs?”

“You know what? Yes. I am. That’s how they got the boils. Allergic reaction to the frogs.”

“You can’t count the boils as evidence of the frogs’ effectiveness, though,” Alex argues. “They’re classified as a separate plague.”

“Fine,” Mark says. “Frogs alone are still fucking annoying. You want frogs in your bed? In your oven? Does that sound fun to you?”

“Yes!” Alex says. “It does! Frogs are friends.”

“Frogs are friends, not food,” Oliver says automatically. Then, at the look his boyfriends give him, “ _Finding Nemo_?” 

“No, I know,” Mark says. “It’s just . . .”

“What?” Oliver protests. “It’s a good movie.”

“Yeah, okay,” Mark says. “But, moving on: if frogs are friends and not food, then your oven is the last place you want them. And, I’m sorry, if either of you thinks eating a frog is a good idea, I’m breaking up with you.”

“Wouldn’t be the weirdest thing we’ve cooked,” Oliver notes.

Alex grins. “Hey. Oliver.”

“Yes?”

“Do you think you can uncook a frog?”


End file.
